Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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