I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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