I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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