..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
