I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize