..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
