True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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