I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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