rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
