a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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