a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
