new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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