they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
