I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
