WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
