I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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