I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
