i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
