i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
