If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
