i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
