I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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