by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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