the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
