flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
