Are we in a gay sports bar?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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