i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
