I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
