It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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