just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
