I puked a lego.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
