My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
