Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
