i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
