Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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