I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
