My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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