I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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