Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
