Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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