Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
