I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
