just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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