so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
