I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
