you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
