In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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