All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
