All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
