Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
