So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
