Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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