I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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