I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
