No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize