I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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