You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
