just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
