So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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