like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
