Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
