I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize