Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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