Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
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