You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
