You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
