Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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