apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
