im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh god it's open bar.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
