if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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