Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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